How to Perfectly Fail at Being Perfect
With a trend in mindfulness becoming a popular practice, my hope is that perfectionism will begin to decline. When the perfectionist is continually critiquing their past performances and conversations or worrying about future activities or commitments, they are not living mindfully in the moment. Letting go of perfection allows us to live in the present and to be mindful of what’s in front of us.
By Dianna Kause - Life Coach, Youth Yoga and Mindfulness Instructor
““Perfectionism doesn’t make you feel perfect. It makes you feel inadequate.””
Recently, my eighth grade daughter, Julia, and her friends came up with a list of their most disliked words: mucus, cyst, phlegm, crotch, moist, ointment. (http://theculturetrip.com/europe/articles/these-are-the-most-hated-words-in-the-english-language/)
“Mrs. Kause, what is your word?”
“My word is perfect.” I said.
“What about your word is perfect? What is the word?” They asked again.
“Perfect, that is my word.”
Julia gave me an eye roll; she knows where I am going with this response. But the friends all looked at me in disbelief. ‘Perfect’ is on the best word list, isn’t it? It’s what so many people strive to become.
When my daughter began kindergarten, I noticed she had heard the word perfect. Suddenly she became constantly disappointed with her school work. “It has to be perfect!”
Well, no, it doesn’t. It just has to be your personal effort right now, which can vary from day to day. Or maybe even minute to minute, if you’re in kindergarten. I’m not suggesting we all should quit giving our best effort, but in my experience, one can’t be certain what perfection is, it’s an individual interpretation.
I decided to teach her a new word, my favorite word- Acceptance. “It’s ok if it doesn’t look the way you thought it would, accept that this is the result of your ability, right now.”
In my opinion, perfection is a disheartening goal to set for oneself or to set for those whom we love, like or see every day or even occasionally. Over the years, I have come in contact with several perfectionists. The shared common theme is a deep unhappiness caused by the pressure to maintain a reputation of perfection. Whether it is perfect test scores, perfect job reviews, perfect physical appearance, perfect spouse, perfect kids, the list seems unending.
Living with these high self-standards, unwittingly caused them to put those same standards on those around them. The disappointment in themselves and others was constant and contributed to many problematic relationships.
Definition of Perfectionist: a person who demands perfection of himself, herself, or others.
With a trend in mindfulness becoming a popular practice, my hope is that perfectionism will begin to decline. When the perfectionist is continually critiquing their past performances and conversations or worrying about future activities or commitments, they are not living mindfully in the moment. Letting go of perfection allows us to live in the present and to be mindful of what’s in front of us.
How do you transition from being perfect to being able to live in the moment, without regret or worry?
Get comfortable with ‘good enough’ we are human beings not machines. Part of our human condition is to have varying degrees of ability based on day to day circumstances.
Practice non-judgment of self and others. Being aware of the judging we do is the first step in letting go of this self-defeating habit.
Control your thoughts, don’t let your thoughts control you. Focus on what you are doing, as you do it. Try meditation and give your mind a break, let go of all thoughts. (https://www.mindful.org/meditation-for-beginners-video/)
Practice gratitude daily. Being grateful reminds us of all we have and are able to do, every single day. Expressing gratitude is truly transformative. (https://www.forbes.com/sites/nomanazish/2018/11/21/five-science-backed-ways-to-practice-gratitude-every-day/ - 47c442101e67)
Eliminate the word Perfect from your vocabulary. Try a variety of words and phrases that celebrate ourselves, others and acknowledge efforts and accomplishments:
Great effort!
I learned a lot from that experience.
Nice job!
You are learning more every day!
I look healthy and happy.
Awesome work!
Way to hang in there!
One hundred percent correct!
You are trying so hard!
I am proud of myself.
You learned so much from this challenge.
I like how you never gave up!
Now you know what to expect next time.
We are all magnificently flawed.
Even though I got an eye roll and people may disagree with my methods and opinion, I’m satisfied with my failure to be perfect. I live in gratitude with the acceptance that, I am enough.
Dianna is a Certified Professional Coach (CPC) through the prestigious Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching, iPEC, an accredited program with the International Coach Federation or ICF. She is also a certified Youth and Teen Yoga and Mindfulness instructor, dedicated to bringing the practice to all ages through classes, private sessions or life coaching.
https://www.facebook.com/DiannaKauseLifeCoach/
https://www.instagram.com/diannakause/
Have something you would like to share with the Breathe community? Be a guest contributor to our studio blog…Fluctuations of the Mind.
Taking the Plunge
This past August 28th, my husband Jeff and I celebrated 25 years of marriage. For our anniversary getaway, we were headed to Munising, Michigan to kayak along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore and explore other sites in the Upper Penninsula. With Jeff behind the wheel and a five hour drive ahead of us, I began contemplating how we had arrived at this milestone anniversary. In a world of marital discord, this suddenly felt like quite an accomplishment.
By Dianna Kause - Life Coach, Youth Yoga and Mindfulness Instructor
Climbing the Dunns River Falls in Jamaica on our honeymoon, August,1993. https://www.dunnsriverfalls.net
This past August 28th, my husband Jeff and I celebrated 25 years of marriage. For our anniversary getaway, we were headed to Munising, Michigan to kayak along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore and explore other sites in the Upper Penninsula. With Jeff behind the wheel and a five hour drive ahead of us, I began contemplating how we had arrived at this milestone anniversary. In a world of marital discord, this suddenly felt like quite an accomplishment.
The Beginning
We were introduced by mutual friends while playing billiards at a sports bar. Jeff stuck his hand out to shake mine and I said, “Hi, I’m Dianna and my hands are ice cold.” Jeff clasped my cold hands in both of his hands, looked me in the eyes and said, “That's ok, cold hands, warm heart.” And so it began.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” –Will Ferrell
The Challenges
We have made it through unexpected financial burden, major career changes, a chronic illness that hijacked my body for five years and nearly killed me (but that's a topic for a future blog), serious illness (Jeff), extended family tension and major dysfunction on both sides, problems with adding to our immediate family, parenting conflicts, depression and anxiety diagnoses (me), mega stress while completing an MBA program, adopting a baby and being an involved dad to an eleven year old son and working full time plus (Jeff).
I was at the point of giving up several times, but somehow being in the presence of the unflappable Jeff, I was always able to work through the difficulties, one step at a time.
Advice that Helped
The 50-50 rule. We had to spend three sessions with a long-married pastor before he would marry us. At one of his teachings, he explained that it would be highly unlikely that we would evenly split up all chores, finances, errands, etc. He explained that instead of expecting a 50-50 percent split, it would be more realistic to be open to sometimes doing 75 percent while the other does 25 percent, or maybe even 99 percent to one percent.
We never even had a chance to forget this lesson because within a few months of marriage, we were lopsided in percentages when I became chronically ill.
A few days before our wedding, I was working with an elderly woman who would be celebrating her 70th wedding anniversary on the day of our marriage. I asked her if she had any marital advice for me and she replied, “Marriage is not for the weak.” At the time, that seemed like a funny comment to make, but throughout the years, I often thought of it and eventually felt the truth of it. I am grateful for that realistic one-liner because on more than one occasion, it gave me hidden strength.
After our son was born, my aunt told me the greatest gift I could give my baby was to love his father. Meaning that, giving each other the undivided attention we both still needed, even as we added to our family, would keep us connected as a couple. It became a cherished piece of advice that we continue to honor, even today.
Committed Practices
The science of it all is quite astonishing. Both Jeff and I have always been open to trying new activities and exploring unfamiliar locations, but little did we know, it was also healthy for our marriage.
The brain pairs the person you are with and the excitement of a new event or new place. This creates a chemical release in the brain that elicits the feeling that is similar to how we feel in the beginning stages of a romantic relationship.
Jeff has a keen ability to see me through rose-colored glasses, still, after all this time. There is evidence that this contributes to healthy long term marriages and I would agree wholeheartedly.
Physical intimacy is an important part of marriage. Our bodies are designed to experience each other and bond deeply with our partner through physical connection. There may be changes and challenges over time, but it is worth every ounce of effort.
https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-often-do-happiest-couples-have-sex-it-s-less-ncna828491
The word 'Acceptance' may be one of the most powerful words in marriage. I have grown in my own acceptance of the word acceptance. If you are unsure of the impact it can have on your marriage, just ponder it for a day, or a month, maybe even a year, or for me, all twenty-five of them.
The 25 Year Point
As we crossed the Mackinac Bridge, I asked Jeff to name his favorite memories of our marriage.
Becoming parents to our son, Vince
Adopting our daughter, Julia, from China
Traveling out of the USA:
Jamaica for our honeymoon and climbing the waterfall
Mexico and exploring the Mayan ruins
Australia and snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef
China and climbing the Great Wall
Paris and all the hours spent at the Louvre
Being open to the unknown:
cliff jumping
mountain biking
roller-coasters
hiking
kayaking
snorkeling
yoga
book club
fitness challenges
marriage workshops
music and art activities
do it yourself house projects (DIY is the only one not on my list, ha ha.)
After we arrived at our destination, we found a remote beach area to park and enjoy the view of Lake Superior. Jeff asked me to read to him my rough draft while we sat at the waters edge. Ever true to supporting me, when I finished, he quietly uttered three words, “I love it.”
Kayaking on Lake Superior in Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore, August, 2018. www.paddlepicturedrocks.com
Several minutes passed when he asked me what my personal words of wisdom were about marriage. I pondered his question as I watched the lake. I was mesmerized by the beauty of Lake Superior, but I knew there was danger in it too. However, I was still drawn to entering the water. The shallow water was manageable, so I walked further out ready to take the plunge. Suddenly I was experiencing the shock of the frigid temperature and the crash of a wave surrounded me, pulling me down. With determination, I surrendered to it and accepted the current, letting it flow around me. Minutes later, I came out of the lake feeling stronger, energized, alive! In that moment, I realized what an accurate metaphor Lake Superior symbolized for our marriage.
“Be intentional with each other, surround yourselves with support. Marriage is for loving, forgiving, accepting and sharing an open heart.”
It is for us, My Love.
Dianna is a Certified Professional Coach (CPC) through the prestigious Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching, iPEC, an accredited program with the International Coach Federation or ICF. She is also a certified Youth and Teen Yoga and Mindfulness instructor, dedicated to bringing the practice to all ages through classes, private sessions or life coaching.
https://www.facebook.com/DiannaKauseLifeCoach/
https://www.instagram.com/diannakause/
How do a Winnebago, a Spartan, Publishers Clearing House and a Teacup all relate to life coaching?
Life coaching is an unfamiliar concept and can be difficult for people to grasp exactly what it involves. Here are four scenarios that will shed light on exactly what I do in my life coaching practice.
By Dianna Kause - Life Coach, Youth Yoga and Mindfulness Instructor
Life coaching is an unfamiliar concept and can be difficult for people to grasp exactly what it involves. Here are four scenarios that will shed light on exactly what I do in my life coaching practice. The clients I worked with have all given permission to share some of their details in this blog post.
I met a client who needed help to transition from career to retirement. In the previous month, he had ended a long-term relationship and both adult children had moved across the country, but in opposite directions.
In his process of being coached, we began with reflection work. He took the time to ponder goals and also complete a life assessment. This work opened him up to a lengthy exploration of life, after retirement. By giving him the space to examine different options he was finally able to decide on a plan. A plan which included:
retirement,
selling his home,
and traveling to all the places he had always wanted to go, while having the freedom to visit his kids, anytime.
All the while…. driving and living in his own, Winnebago.
https://winnebagoind.com/
Another client, a young woman at a big ten university, contacted me for coaching. She wasn’t sure if she should quit school before she flunked out. She had always done well academically but now was struggling with attending class and doing homework. Her GPA reflected the drastic change. Through a series of answering empowering questions and rating different areas of her life, she realized, where she lived and whom she lived with, were affecting her sleep and study habits. While we worked on setting goals, she came up with her own solution. To avoid social distraction, she moved into her own place, located further away from the lure of the parties and friends. This decision allowed her to continue her education and remain a Michigan State Spartan forever. https://msu.edu/
A 35 year-old woman messaged me for life transition coaching. She had not successfully launched into adulthood. As we went through a thorough energy assessment, it was discovered that she had a long history of being bullied. Although coaching is forward focused, sometimes we look back to clarify a behavior. The bullying she experienced during her school age years had resulted in severe eating disorders. She had been hospitalized but eventually was able to overcome it. In adulthood, there were other bullying incidents, which resulted in job loss and kept her living with her parents. She craved confidence and success, desperately wanting to be on her own. Through customized writing prompts I provided, she found her voice.
For years, her mother entered the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes. Every few months the Publishers Clearing House announces a cash prize winner, by showing up at their door, on live television. https://www.pch.com/sweepstakes
This mom bullied her daughter into staying home from work on the day of the announcement. The reason being, just in case she might win the sweepstakes. When I asked my client what would it feel like to tell her mother, “No, I decided I am going to go to work.” She lit up and explained how much she wanted to do this but was afraid. We talked through the fear and role-played the exchange until she felt confident. The time had come for her to let her mother know, she was not staying home any longer!
Although I continued to work with her on setting attainable goals, I also referred her to a psychologist, as I am trained to recognize when an individual may need psychotherapy.
A woman came to me for help with career coaching. For 18 years, she kept putting off the final year of education for her nursing degree. She had never completed her bachelor’s and she did not know why. We worked on a value assessment and it became apparent to her that her top values were not being honored. After several sessions, her truth came out.
I asked her, “What would you do if you knew you would not fail?”
“I haven’t told anyone this before but I would like to open a tea shop.”
Giving her space to talk about it with someone not tied to any image of who she should be, allowed this dream to pour out of her. We explored the options and she decided to pursue opening a tea shop. She first enrolled in several business courses, wrote up her business plan and began searching for tea shop space.
While there are a variety of coaching niches, my specialty is life transitions. I am passionate about helping people uncover what has been holding them back and partner with them as they take action to create the life they desire.
Let’s start on the life coaching path together!
What’s your Winnebago?
Dianna is a Certified Professional Coach (CPC) through the prestigious Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching, iPEC, an accredited program with the International Coach Federation or ICF. She is also a certified Youth and Teen Yoga and Mindfulness instructor, dedicated to bringing the practice to all ages through classes, private sessions or life coaching.
https://www.facebook.com/DiannaKauseLifeCoach/
https://www.instagram.com/diannakause/
My 50 cents
As I reflect back on 2018, one memorable event of the year for me was reaching the milestone birthday of fifty! Mentally preparing myself for this new decade, I had been thinking about it and mentioning it, months before, “My next birthday is a big one!” or, “Yeah, I’m turning fifty soon!”
By Dianna Kause - Life Coach, Youth Yoga and Mindfulness Instructor
As I reflect back on 2018, one memorable event of the year for me was reaching the milestone birthday of fifty! Mentally preparing myself for this new decade, I had been thinking about it and mentioning it, months before, “My next birthday is a big one!” or, “Yeah, I’m turning fifty soon!”
Some people may have a party or take a trip to celebrate the occasion. My husband, Jeff, offered me those options. But travel or even just getting out of the house to go to a party can be difficult for people during the month of February. I don’t know if it was a premonition or my pragmatism but with the thought of chaotic weather conditions and seasonal sickness like the flu, I chose to quietly transition into age 50.
In the days leading up to my birthday I dealt with newly diagnosed kidney stones, the flu, and a general feeling of what one encounters when they live in Michigan and endure an exceeding amount of gray, frigid days.
On the arrival of February 9th , my birthday, Mother Nature threw an epic party of her own, the biggest snowstorm in a decade! Local schools were closed, flights cancelled, some businesses closed. Good thing I didn’t have travel or party plans. Sigh. The storm also cancelled my dinner commitment with several family members that evening. Due to the numerous accidents in their area, they decided not to venture out.
Finding myself with free time and not one to sit idly; I booked a last minute opening at the tattoo studio (http://authenticartstudio.com/). With 34 years of winter driving experience, I was determined to make it!
Prior to the day, I had been researching my new tattoo; one that would encompass the recent season of my life in a meaningful way. The death of my brother to cancer six months earlier, had greatly impacted me. He had come to our home to spend his final weeks, to die with family around him. Suddenly, I had been thrust into the most important role of my life. Through all the difficulties that occurred, somehow I was able to summon the strength, courage and focus that were needed during that time.
Those traits also happen to describe one of the most fearless animals, the Lioness. Her number one priority is caring for the pride. The symbolism clicked for me. Yes, the Lioness! With the addition of a few Lotus flowers to signify my personal life struggles as well as my true grit, I was ready for needles!
Throughout the tattoo process, I mentally worked on my current passion, creating a playlist of my life. I decided to choose fifty songs, each with a short explanation that represented my life. If you are a lover of music, like me, I highly recommended doing this exercise. As a bonus, it helped block out some of the pain from the tattooing.
My mind wandered to 1980’s singer, Billy Idol. He easily fit into this setting and could have been sitting on the chair next to me getting his own ink done.
Here is an excerpt from my playlist:
‘White Wedding’ (1982)
“I made it backstage to meet the English Rocker, Billy Idol. I wiped toothpaste off his neck because, back then, that was what was used to spike up his hair. With his British accent and provocative sneer he radiated animal magnetism. But the best part of him was the hilarious stories he shared about the antics of his fans.”
A mere five hours later, with many more songs on the list, my tattoo was finished and I was wearing beautiful, customized art.
On the rather treacherous drive home, I made a stop at the local grocer to pick up my most favorite birthday dessert, a pre-ordered, Zingerman’s Boston Cream pie. (https://www.zingermansbakehouse.com/cakes/)
However, there was no cake for me. The storeowner remembered the call from Jeff, but admitted that he forgot to place the order.
I was not in the best state of mind when I made it home. I was feeling a bit melancholy; no family was coming to celebrate with me and there was no favorite cake to enjoy. I was still recovering from the flu and was now feeling the ache of self-inflicted pain from the tattoo. Ugh.
Just as I was ready for an early bedtime, Jeff announced he had called a few local friends and arranged for us to all have dinner together. A delicious meal and supportive well-wishers to spend the evening with helped make my transition to age fifty a little bit easier.
Now that I have been through it, I’d like to share my sage advice on celebrating your 50th birthday:
Have a party AND take a break! If you have made it to age 50, you deserve to be celebrated AND get some rest!
Get a tattoo, but not on your actual birthday, because there will be pain that day, maybe even for a few weeks.
If you listened to music at all during your half a century of existence, construct a playlist of your life. I believe you will find it cathartic to reminisce, even if it isn’t about the songs but about a moment in time, possibly even fifty moments.
Eat cake on your birthday! Perhaps order a back up cake, just in case the someone who does the ordering is older than you and forgets to place the order!
Dianna is a Certified Professional Coach (CPC) through the prestigious Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching, iPEC, an accredited program with the International Coach Federation or ICF. She is also a certified Youth and Teen Yoga and Mindfulness instructor, dedicated to bringing the practice to all ages through classes, private sessions or life coaching. https://www.facebook.com/DiannaKauseLifeCoach/